Happy New Year! Another one has flew past right before my eyes. Well, I suppose the main difference this year is that nothing much has changed. At least, not drastically. This is actually good news to me, because it tells me I'm in a good place and not seeking for crazy progress I always seem to be hard up for.
So, what should I start with?
For one, I'm getting a lot healthier these days. I drink tons of water, eat more fruits AND veggies, and I actually work out. I've dedicated a week each month to eating salad, and subscribed to a spin class, which I thoroughly enjoy. WAIT, WHAT? I know right? Aside from the sheer accomplishment of doing something like that, I think a great part of what motivates me is how this lifestyle is going to help me improve myself physically and emotionally. And the funny thing is after getting healthier, I am actually putting on more weight (Is this a sign of prosperity LOL). I guess my body is finally getting the nutrition it needs. That being said, maybe it's simply because I cannot kick my love for junk food hahaha. In any case, it's been manageable, and I guess I've been seeing the effects. However at the end of the day, a natural approach to the healing process is always going to be a gradual one with no dramatic changes, so I remain hopeful.
I've also started reading more, which is absolutely delightful! I'm the person that buys a shitload of real books but never get down to reading them - they just sit prettily in my shelf, some of time still in their sealed packaging?! All these years I never got down to buying the plastic to wrap the books in (because I ALWAYS end up creasing my books), which is really a poor excuse not to read. Ever since I got (well.. Stole lol) myself a Kindle, reading has been sooo effortless. Everytime I finish a book, I'd find the need to start a new one almost immediately. Haven't had that feeling in a while, the need to read. It's really nice to pick a productive habit back up again, let's hope it lasts...
Career wise, things have been going steadily. Hahaha I'd like to attribute my tardiness in writing this post (Confession: Finally finished it and we're already two weeks into the new year, gosh) to the fact that I write a fair bit for a living, but hey that's just an excuse~ So work. Just when things were going great the way they were, work life decided to throw me a curveball sometime back in Q3. Almost immediately I got a sense that things were about to take a turn quickly, and the amount of responsibilities were going to pile on. I don't even remember the period of time I allowed this to sink in (or did that not exist?) The thing is, I am absolutely mortified about change or bringing about change. Not because I don't care enough, but if things worked well the way they were, I never saw the point in tipping over any balance? I am always happy not to question what is deemed an equilibrium. However, what I've learnt was I could adapt to change - and more importantly, I was capable of rising to the occasion when the situation called for it. Just last week, I was approached with 2 questions from 2 people that used to be in my position. While my suggestions to them may not have made must impact of men their decisions, I was heartened to hear my thought process aloud, and it made me realise how far I've come in my short span in the workforce. This is really something I hope to strive for in the new year, to give myself more credit when I get things right, and let every small victory motivate me to embrace change for the better.
Career wise, things have been going steadily. Hahaha I'd like to attribute my tardiness in writing this post (Confession: Finally finished it and we're already two weeks into the new year, gosh) to the fact that I write a fair bit for a living, but hey that's just an excuse~ So work. Just when things were going great the way they were, work life decided to throw me a curveball sometime back in Q3. Almost immediately I got a sense that things were about to take a turn quickly, and the amount of responsibilities were going to pile on. I don't even remember the period of time I allowed this to sink in (or did that not exist?) The thing is, I am absolutely mortified about change or bringing about change. Not because I don't care enough, but if things worked well the way they were, I never saw the point in tipping over any balance? I am always happy not to question what is deemed an equilibrium. However, what I've learnt was I could adapt to change - and more importantly, I was capable of rising to the occasion when the situation called for it. Just last week, I was approached with 2 questions from 2 people that used to be in my position. While my suggestions to them may not have made must impact of men their decisions, I was heartened to hear my thought process aloud, and it made me realise how far I've come in my short span in the workforce. This is really something I hope to strive for in the new year, to give myself more credit when I get things right, and let every small victory motivate me to embrace change for the better.
Carrying on the topic of grown-up life, I've made some milestone decisions this year that will change the rest of my life. These are particularly close to my heart, so I would like to keep it very much private. Things weren't always so rosy and I had so many doubts in my mind, but with time and the right amount of effort and lessons, I am proud to see how far I've come and what I've learnt from the process. I choose to believe things will only get better from here, so here goes nothing. Oh and also, cheers to getting my insurance and taxes in order!
As for the more personal experiences in my life, I managed to travel the longest and furthest I've ever gone - all the way to the other side of the planet! I took my first long-haul flight alone, which was surprisingly very therapeutic (except the part where I almost missed my flight when I waited at the wrong gate at the entirely wrong terminal?!). I had the best time with some of the best people in my life, and this trip really drew us so much closer. We stayed in all kinds of places and tried all modes of transport, and even conquered a glacier hike together. I've also revisited countries and tried new activities in them, which I've really enjoyed too. This year, I'm targeting for another big annual trip and I have two new countries in mind. Fingers crossed that I'll manage to conquer one in the second half of 2017!
When it comes to the human relationships in my life, I would say I am blessed and relatively content. Sure, I could always have stronger, tighter bonds with people but I don't want to take what I already have with them for granted. There weren't exactly any new significant people in my life, and the people that already existed continued to hold their special places in my head and heart. I remember having this conversation with a very important person in my life, and we both agreed how relationships were equal (or at least similar) parts the will of nature and the amount of effort put in. We may not be able to control who we click or do not click with, just as how we mostly let nature take its course on the people we encounter on our journey. But this only scratches the surface. Any relationship requires hard work to keep afloat. This is definitely something I strongly believe in for the longest time, and this year was no exception. For said person and myself, this was something we reminded ourselves about throughout the year as we made the conscious effort to upkeep the relationships in our lives.
At the same time, we did lose some people along the way. I say we because most of these people leave/shut themselves away from a bigger group I'm in, in general. And this has happened in SEVERAL groups in my life, not just one... Is this a year of conflict? While I have not come into direct crossfire with the majority of them, it is a pity to know our affinity has ended. The funny thing is I didn't even have personal beef with any of them, yet the circumstances have caused us to fall out of each other's radar (naturally or intentionally)... I suppose we cannot help it if group dynamics change over time of because of certain factors. We just have to accept that nothing is forever, and respect their decisions.
I think a lot of the time, it's really what's in our heads that eats away at our faith in the relationships with have with other people. These people, and I believe myself at many point in my life, have reached a point where they no longer want to tolerate what they felt was a shortcoming/gap in the relationship - to the extent that it's a better option to burn the bridge. As I get older, I am getting more at peace with situations like these... Maybe it's because of the fact that I've come to terms that change is the only constant? Or worse, I have learnt that you do not lose a limb, it's just not that serious - just a bit of heart. And it happens to even the best of us. So to the people who have been affected by an issue like this, and feel like you've been at the losing end - I say, take it in your stride. If there's anything I've learnt, it's that time heals many kinds of wounds, or at least numbs them. This will also be a good reminder to myself in future should I meet new setbacks this year - so note-to-self: soldier on.
Like I've shared last year, I've recovered tremendously from certain wounds I thought would never heal. But there is this one issue that plagues my mind and soul, and that is my self-worth. This seems to be an evergreen issue in my life for some reason lol. Recently, it's been so hard to go into my priorities with a clear head, and it's been a trying period. I'm struggling to grasp my concept of self, and it's been so so so tough to love myself. How is it that our love for ourselves can fluctuate so much? I am very aware that I place too much emphasis on other people's opinions, especially when they mean so much to me. While it may not be directed at me, their general views on things (even if they try to mask it so nobody's feelings get hurt) are distorting the way I define myself. It honestly feels so terrible, but I cannot help it. And it is scary how my insecurities have outweighed my fears or ability to negotiate with myself. I'm not sure how to be entirely okay with who I am and how I look or feel... But this may not be a bad thing because it does encourage me to take control of my life and overcome these negative emotions. Now that I've learnt the ropes of attaining a delicate balance between pulling and letting go, I strive to let the space between where I am now and where I want to be, inspire me.
Have I become more apathetic? I'd like to think so. Maybe it's because I'm so content with my life right now (except for the last issue I just discussed). It's not been easy getting here, and I've made some sacrifices that have transformed my life almost completely. For someone who constantly looks back at where she was exactly a year ago, I can say the year before has truly been a lifetime ago. Some things have just become so surreal when you look back, it's as though they only happened in your imagination/dreams. At this moment though, my heart & mind are relatively still - with more good vibes than bad. There is nothing I should take for granted, so as always, I remain thankful. For everything and everyone.
Well, back to more adulting for me. Let's hope this will be a good round. Catch you soon. x
