...Clearly this post is waaaayyy overdue. Basically, the transition to this year was pretty low key. It felt like I had just moved on to the following week from the previous, so I pretty much plunged into 2016 without realising it. To be honest, just the thought of doing this (for the sake of it, so that I wouldn't regret not jotting things down) does feel rather daunting. But as every year, I'd start and assume I wouldn't have much to say... And then I scroll up to find paragraphs after paragraphs. How lame.
...And with that, My opening thought has become my first chunk of words. Pfft.
Right, 2015. Fortunately, it was a quick one. I suppose it's like what they say, how time flies when you're having fun? Actually, more like when you're crazy busy. Firstly, I managed to clock my first year of adulthood i.e. My job. *Pat on the back* The beginning was pretty rough, I guess like many other people. I struggled and wondered if I really was capable enough being in this industry. I had wonderful people around me at work, yet sometimes I would feel so out of place. I couldn't really put my finger on it... Things were going okay, but something felt like it was missing? This thought lingered for months until a watershed moment sometime mid-year. *Cue dramatic music* Okay watershed is really blowing it out of proportion, but that really felt like the turning point in my career-in-progress.
I got assigned to this big and shiny account, which was incredibly interesting. However, it meant I had to work externally - with/under people I've never worked with before and hardly interact with. And while it wasn't much, I was given the most responsibilities I had received at work overnight. Don't think I'll ever forget that day lololol, I was informed that I had officially "graduated" from my probation period, and in the same day, I was being "rented" over to another team just for this said account. Needless to say, didn't start off well for a newb(Noob/newbie? Hahahaha) like me. And so my rental period extended from 3, 6, 8 months, to a full permanent transfer. Didn't come as much of a surprise though, thanks to a colleague who warned me right from the start ("Those who leave never come back"). Turns out rental was never a temporary practice in this office.
And so I moved, physically and otherwise. I shifted upstairs, to a cosier, more sparse workspace, with new people I had to get to know all over again. It was terrifying, to say the least. Not only were you at the bottom of the food chain, you were the new kid on the block. And you know what? That turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me in that workplace. That feeling that something was missing just went away. Career-wise, I experienced much more growth then I expected to have in that window of time. More importantly, it truly felt like I had found my a-team. Sure they were great colleagues, but it was more than that. I felt like I found friends people said you could never find at work. Fast forward to the present, I am still learning something new everyday, and I am exposed to new sectors, products and knowledge and people. And I have found smart, funny and kind people I am proud to call friends. I'm just hoping it continues to get better from here *fingers crossed*.
Rewinding just a bit, not everything ended well in 2015. People and things who were important to me at that point in my life came and went. Perhaps it was this job I was immersing myself in, like many pointed out, that caused me to be so indifferent. "A new phase of life", as they described. I'm not sure exactly when, but it felt like my patience started to run dry. As I shared in the previous year, I was becoming more angsty, logical and wanted to take control of everything, including how I felt and how I responded to the people and things around me. Material things were also a wonderful distraction, and I enjoyed being and staying occupied. But that switch couldn't last forever. I started to wear down and finally admit to myself that something is not right. In fact, something has not been right for a while, or perhaps it has never been right. And this was the one thing I was afraid to stop and confront. I wasn't happy, and I haven't been happy for a long time, but I had no other outlet I could successfully manage this issue with.
At the end of the day, the truth is sometimes progress cannot arrive if change doesn't. As much as there are people and things I am apprehensive to part with, I should never forget that very often it is not them you are reluctant to let go of, but how they made you feel. About yourself, especially. Which is incredibly selfish, I know. And that is a reason in itself to learn how to move forward. Right now, I'm still trying to discern between the two, and make a conscious effort not to get them mixed up.
Also, I think I'm proud to declare here that I've recovering from a wound that lasted for years. This was one of the greatest struggles I had to deal with, and as much as I was not able to figure it out, I am glad to say I have learnt to come to terms with it. I didn't necessary have to feel good about it etc, but rather I've learnt to accept that something was wrong, and that's okay. Now, if only I had twice the amount of determination and support, and require half the amount of time to fight off my other demons...
I think one of the scariest things about moving forward is the new people and things you may encounter. The fact is you won't know how things are going to pan out, and you may not be able to mentally prepare yourself in time. Which makes me feel quite... Vulnerable. Which is so embarrassing to admit to myself. Before I started on this post, I came across an old note I wrote, which ended off with "I think I'll know when I feel it, again. To feel like I'm home." It scares me so so much to say that I think I am finding this feeling again. Or I may even have already found it; to be around certain people and/or things, or in a certain environment and feel like I'm home. Because the worst part about this is you can never be certain of your external environment, or whether what you feel is accurate or mutual. (Which honestly, seems like the case at this point.) It makes you feel so silly, when you realise you may be the only one that feels this way, and you wonder if it's best not to show it. And I'm no fortune teller. As much as I want and crave for certainty, I am never going to get it. What scares me most is not that though. I think like many others, I am practical enough to understand life doesn't come with a hundred percent guarantees, yet most of the time, all I wish for is a genuine will towards something, and to have the strength and commitment to work towards it. Thinks about the past, those years were some of the darkest days in my short, mediocre lifespan, and I hope I don't ever fall back into that state of mind ever again (At least I think I'm not repeating it...). I have a secret confession though - It is sad to say seeing people discuss about the long term now gives me anxiety issues, and some days I just feel so inferior. In any case, I'm still learning to shut out the noise and anxiety, and focus on the things I need to be grateful for.
Another issue that has reoccurred for me, which again, I am so ashamed to talk about... Is my body image. Some years back, this affected me so much. I tried so hard to mould myself into someone else vision, which was painful. I constantly asked myself what was wrong with me and it is so embarrassing to admit that it makes you hate yourself so much, you are desperate to try anything to make you love yourself. There are several things I have struggled with significantly over the course of my life, which I don't share about to anyone. I suppose I figured it's not necessary to let them know how these issues are capable of causing you to cry yourself to sleep or when you're alone, or even inflict self-harm.
I think what people often don't realise is how much the things they say and do can affect you? Personally, as much as I understand how entertaining it can be for people to put you down over the years, sometimes they don't realise how much it can still hurts even when it was "funny". Worse still, it is often the passing comment that cuts the deepest, simply because it was made semi-consciously - making it so pure and honest. When it comes to responding to things like these, the thought process is an extensive one. Sadly, I feel like my most disliked flaws are impossible to hide completely or overcome. Not many understand (at least not the people around me, in my humble opinion)... It sucks to know that people do certain things (Wear certain clothes, put on makeup) to look BETTER, while here you are struggling to do the same things, just so you can simply appear... normal. E.g. To have an ordinary frame, or just normal human looking skin. These are such simple things that many people already possess, still they have no idea how it would mean so much to me to have a quarter of what they have.
That being said, I don't see the point in whining about it, well at least, not out loud in a public space lol. As dumb as this may sound, this is relatively a quiet, private corner I managed to set aside for myself on this World Wide Web.
In any case, I think I'm starting to learn how to reach this delicate balance... Between letting nature take its course, and taking the reins of things when necessary. Over the past few years, I experimented (and still am experimenting) with the proportions of the two. The fact was I was not happy at either ends of the spectrum. Of course, just as other things in my life, the learning journey for this never ends. I guess there really is no perfect formula. In the meantime, I think it's more important to be thankful for the things I already have because frankly, I am a very fortunate person. There are people and things that keep me happy and healthy, and I should always count my blessings because of that. While I pray for the usual - do my best to learn to love myself and earn myself a speedy road to recovery from all my scars, I must not forget to be thankful and not take the people/thugs in my life for granted.
And with that reminder, let me be on my way back to letting 2016 play. See you in a bit! x
