Hello, it's me. Are you even surprised that I'm late again? This time, I am signing in from a foreign country. Finally found the time to get started on this as I am en route to another city via train.
Feels like I sort of glossed through the last part of the year... The last 2-3 weeks saw me making and agreeing to different plans, only to find myself rushing from day to day and place to place. I did make some of the year's best memories in this last chapter though, and for the second time, I quietly bade 2017 farewell with an intimate countdown. Can't keep up with fancy drinks and firework chasing anymore... Is this a sign of aging?
I guess this was what this year was about for me - growing up. Apart of my increasingly achey body and wrinkly skin (hahaha), I think I have settled into my role as an adult. Believe I mentioned in last year's post that I had some important decisions/milestones ahead of me, and this year saw me reaching some of these checkpoints, and making plans for upcoming ones. Am I mentally ready for them? I'd say I'm not sure because the thought of them makes me jittery (not in a bad way though! If anything, I am happy and proud to take several leaps of faith) , but truthfully is anyone ever 100% ready for change? I'd like to think I've been coping well with all these changes and facing them as positively as I can hahaha. There's quite a few *exciting* plans happening this new year, and my hope is to face them bravely and give everything my best shot. Fingers crossed...
I guess the biggest drawback of being a "grown up" is how your concept of time changes - suddenly you no longer enough of it. I mean, yes time has always been a scarce resource even as a child (rushing your holiday homework at the last minute, rushing to clean the house only when you hear the keys jangling the the door) but the "time flies" I'm talking about is realising only now people are growing old even though it's been happening right under your nose. I think it's very common to let new priorities take precedence and take things for granted, but lately I've come to realise how we cannot assume they will stay the same. The fact is change is constant. This year has been a wake up call, with many life-changing events happening amongst/to my loved ones and myself. You suddenly realise how little time you actually have with them, and it will only get less here on out. You tell yourself you don't have to worry because "there's still time" but it's funny how we procrastinate until we truly run out of time. I can't slow things down, nor can I buy more time, but I can only do my best to make the most of what I have. My next resolution will be to spend more time on things, and with people that genuinely matter.
On a similar note, I realised that I am spend quite a bit (read: a lot) of time on my phone, particularly on social media. The thing is, I'm not exactly active; I don't like/post/comment/share - but I consume it all the time. On the way to places, during meals, before I go to bed etc. I know it isn't the most healthy activity but it's soooo addictive. I could always blame it on the nature on my job, but I am well aware it's just me. While social media is a great source of information for me (there is a lot of glut, but I learn something new almost everyday thanks to the interwebs hahaha) I feel like a lot of it has become emotional. Suddenly more people are putting themselves out there, showing the world their best sides and how happy their lives are, which is a good thing most of the time. But inevitably it makes you wonder about yourself and you start questioning and comparing your situation with others. My mind constantly drifts off to how I can improve things/could have done things better in hindsight, and as much as its always good to improve yourself, I think it creates a lot of self doubt and an inferiority complex. Of all people, I'd expect myself to be extremely aware of the mechanics behind social media and how most things are just a virtual facade, but on not-so-great days, they still get to you anyway. I guess I'd hope to pull myself away from that and be kinder, and less hard on myself.
Moving on to the social aspect of things. This year brought several unexpected turn of events in terms of my social life. I've never been one who enjoys challenging the status quo, so I didn't have the most pleasant time when I was forced to burn bridges. We're they outcomes I'd hoped for? Probably not. Has my life changed for the better? In hindsight, I'd say yes. I had to go through some of the most gruelling points in my relationships with people close to my heart, and I was put through events that left me anxious, angry, disappointed and broken. I've been hurt many times in my life, but I don't think it scared me more than when the bad blood created greater problems and hurt other people around me. I think that was really when I realised I should draw the line, and that some choices are painful or uncomfortable, but eventually necessary. At this point, I think I'll still trying to make sense of what has happened, and try to feel less sore about these sombre incidents. I guess the only way I'll know if I've made peace with the situation is when I will stop thinking about them as often, and start wishing these long-gone people well. This is something I am still working on.
Not all hope for mankind is lost though hahaha. This year, I/we have also reconnected with several people that I/we lost. For some of them, it did feel like at the back of our minds, they'd come back someday because we had a good relationship. I am heartened that every one of these "reunions" have been comfortable (and not awkward and cold), as though we've always been cool. Maybe that's what real kinship/friendship is about - you may not see or speak to each other in forever, but you know you'll always be there for each other when shit hits the fan. I'm not the biggest extrovert out there hahaha so I probably wouldn't hope to meet and make new friends this year - rather, as usual, I hope to maintain if not strengthen the relationship I already have with my loved ones.
After skimming through it again, this year's post seems a little "simpler" than previous years and much more self-centred. Maybe it's because I'm becoming an old social hermit lol. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it wasn't an eventful year. In fact, I've had some of the best times - attended my first wedding overseas, for example my first ever trip to Japan, and my first real experience of snow (the last time didn't count... That was over 10 years ago, and it merely lasted 5 seconds!). But towards the end of the year, I received the biggest news ever in my life and it was an extremely sharp wake up call to reflect on myself (Wowza, exclusive news here on PD). I don't think I'll be able to share about this with anyone anytime soon, but this is definitely one of the very few things that may change my life forever. But hey who knows, I'll talk about it soon when I'm mentally ready. All I can wish for is to accept any outcome life brings me with grace and sanity.
The said same news, coupled with my love-hate relationship with social media, has also reminded me to generally be more present. There is no shame is trying to capture photos/videos of a moment we cherish, but I think where I'd hope to draw the line is how eager I want to share online. Is it really important for me to pick the best photo, add the best filters and choose the best captions before I upload something on Instagram? I always make it a point to remind myself that my social media accounts and blog are very much a memory log for myself, rather than a spectacle for others to think I have a blissful life or great aesthetic. Kudos to the people who have the creativity and patience for that, they have wonderful content but I want to stop using other people as my benchmark(s). And what's the point of photos/videos if I failed to imprint the memory in my mind, and make the effort to be physically part of the whole experience? At the end of the day, we may not remember what was said or done during that exact moment (hahaha maybe that is why we try so hard to capture these memories in photos/videos) but what we hold most dearly is how we felt at that moment. And we hardly forget the feeling even after a long time.
Well, I guess this post had overstayed in the drafts section for far too long, time for it to go live. Here's to 2018, which I am already stumbling through. Catch you in a bit. x
