2013

...Is it me or has this year flew by right before my eyes?

It always makes me wonder if anyone ever comes to this blog anymore, which I highly doubt. My blogging habits have been exponentially nomadic in the past 2 years, which is a good thing really because every post I write is mainly, and in all honesty, solely for my eyes and my memory. This probably explains why I haven't been writing on this blog for so long too. But hey, in case anyone ever stops by, this has been and will probably be the only blog you will ever know of ;-)

I kinda regret not writing a post for 2012 here, because it was so interesting to read the one I wrote in 2011. Reading and recalling past events and emotions just makes you reflect on yourself and how much you've grown, changed or stayed the same as a person. I've come to realise how important a diary or a blog like this is, because it just helps you to hold on to your memories that much tighter. Especially for someone as forgetful as me ugh. And sometimes you just find something new in your old memories, or even a reminder or secret message to yourself that would come in handy for your present self. I mentioned that 2011 was one of the worst years of my life, judging from the fact I haven't been alive for that long. I guess it turns out fate has a dark dark DARK sense of humour, because the following year was a million times worse than I could imagine. 2012 was pure hell. Looking back, I can honestly say I don't think I've ever been so hurt or lost before? Crying your heart out every few hours everyday for about 40-50% of the year just really sucks out the life and happiness in you. But I guess that's how it's supposed to feel like when your world turns upside down? I have never been so physically and mentally drained to the extent the sadness showed on the outside before, because being strong, no matter how hard I have to pretend to be, was something I have always been able to do and even take pride in all my life. How do you even begin to justify a meltdown on the way to school / work , on the way home, or in various public places? -_- Sitting in my crying corner of the void deck (LOL) after counting down for the new year just feels so recent yet so long ago. But I guess when you leave your heart and soul out in the open like that, you're just gonna have to be prepared that things won't always go your way, and sometimes you just have to accept that because there's nothing you can do to change it.

Needless to say, this year saw itself absorbing the impact of 2012. Yet again, 2013 has not been an easy year for me at all, from start to end. The random breakdowns were of course as frequent as ever, and the doubts and insecurities just kept repeating itself night after night. Half the time I asked myself what I did wrong and what I could have and should have done to change what happened. Then there were times when I just thought I has it all figured out and things were finally going to be alright but sadly, I seem to be a natural at disappointing myself LOL. It's really tough to get by when you second guess yourself, but I guess there is this added pressure when other people are second guessing you as well. Naturally, these bad vibes from the inside and outside of you tend to reopen old, recuperating wounds and sometimes even bring about new ones. Sub-consciously, things often went back to square one, which naturally sucks.

This year has indeed been terribly difficult to get through, which is also probably why I was gifted with the most beautiful people and opportunities to be loved by, helping me carry on and learn. I know it sounds like I'm just whining about how tough my year has been the entire time, but honestly I actually have so much to be grateful for because of these gifts in my life. It hit me that this year was truly a different chapter of my life, because this is also the year that marks the beginning of the next 10 years that would shape and determine my future as an adult. I finally have a clearer idea of where I wanted to be career wise, and who I wanted to be as a person in any half of all the relationships in my life. I've also learnt that we cannot always control how things pan out, so I shouldn't be afraid to let things take their own journey and form and most importantly, let time do its job to nurture, strengthen or even weaken and heal things. Also, it is not always within our capacity to please and satisfy everyone, but it is so so so important to do all things and treat people with the utmost love and kindness. It is really not about getting something in return, but to treat others as how you would want to be treated. You can't be good enough for everybody, but that should never stop you from being the best you can be. At this point, I'll admit that I still struggle with the pain and self-doubt, but just being thankful for what and who I have around me reminds me that things are never as bad as it seems, and harnessing all this love and happiness just fuels your reason to live and be happy. Plus, knowing that everything happens for a reason truly helps you to get by day by day.

I honestly don't think a "full" recovery is ever possible because what happened has impacted me in a way that has changed me forever, and I prefer to believe that isn't necessarily a bad thing. It still hurts, but I believe I will learn to let go of the pain and sadness and gratitude and understanding will eventually take over completely someday. I cannot emphasise enough to myself and everyone around me that everything happens for a reason. Nevertheless, 2013 has  made me grow a little more as a person again, and I am sincerely thankful for yet another meaningful year.

Happy New Year! To *much needed* better days ahead. :-)